This time of the year is tough. The drab dreariness outside cause the darkness that I (and so many others) battle on the daily to hulk out into a full on 24/7 fight to keep the demons (panic, anxiety and severe depression) at bay. It in turn brings about the necessity of daily pep talks, meds and pulling myself up and forcing myself to interact with my little family. I never knew the small things could take so much effort before all the darkness hit about 14 years ago.
The holidays are so hard to enjoy. Not just because the seasonal depression compounds the daily depression. But because thanksgiving is my family’s holiday and to be honest it is just not the same. Thanksgiving is the one time a year we all get together. But for the last 3 Thanksgiving gatherings there has been a void that cannot be filled no matter how much laughter there may be… this year is no different.
Every time I walk into my mother’s house and cannot help but to look at my dad’s favorite chair, in his favorite corner and my heart breaks over and over. Three and a half years now Dad has been gone and the loss and pain are still crushing. Sure we go on with lives. We stay strong for our mother and our children. But the hurt is ever present.
All of these hurts, heartaches, emotions that come from losing my dad are feelings that I do not share with others. It is my own private grief (well it was private). But more than anything I stay strong outwardly for my son, my husband, my mother and my siblings- even as inside I fall apart. A friend asked me once how I shut off my emotions when I am hurting both physically and mentally. I told her I don’t get rid of them nor do I turn them off; I file them away in little boxes to deal with later when I am alone.
I have always done this and I never realized that other people find it strange that I can do that. I kind of approach it like cops do cold cases, I allow myself give it X amount of time to weep and hurt. Then file it away until I have the resources (strength, peace and ability to stay calm) to deal with it.
Tiny boxes = me keeping up and going.