It started off as most things do, innocently. The gentle smile in his hazel eyes. His hand holding mine, as he watched tv and I read my book. After a while he got sleepy, he leaned in for a soft, sweet kiss and said “goodnight baby I love you”. And off he fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.
I got comfy and he threw his arm across my waist. A few hours later, I woke from my long 1 hour nap with a headache so bad I actually reach up and felt around to make sure I didn’t get hit with something. I took a couple Tylenol and finally dozed off. Then the alarm went off and I got my tired butt up and got ready to take the hubs to work and the kid to school.
And then it hit. Nausea so bad water was welling up in my mouth, head splitting and some sort of black magic curse of pain in my stomach. But naive me brushed it off and we set out on our way. Chatting about nonsense and having a chuckle or two. I dropped them both off in their proper places. None too soon! as by now there was enough pain in my GI track that it felt like the gods had came down from Olympus and were doing full on battle with one another! Holy hell! Hurry up I thought to myself. Wtf is this douche in front of me riding his breaks? Didn’t the mofo know how my gut was now in the last battle and any time now I could be like Mt Vesuvius!?! Move your ass, you old fart!!
Finally I pass him and am full on Daytona 500ing it toward home when the woman in front of me decides to stop….AT A YELLOW LIGHT! Bitch you aren’t new, stop on red, haul ass on yellow! Finally the light changes and granny move at speed of a snail. I rush past her, broke about 3 laws as i peeled out. Don’t these dick heads know the insane look of a woman having to hold her ass cheeks so tight if she farted it would either whistle or shart her pants? Good God man move it, move it, move it!!! Finally I see my house! Thank you sweet baby Jesus! Fly up the drive, throw open the door, trip over the dog…little bastard … And finally get to the bathroom! Hallelujah fucking choir is what I was hearing in my head!
Then when I finally could drag myself, sweating, white as snow, stomach empty I fall onto the bed and text the husband….
Me: Hey i am home and btw you are a complete bastard.
Him: why you say that baby?
Me: oh idk. Maybe because you gave me your fucking plague and I pulled a ass cheek muscle trying not to pee out my ass, while my intestines reenacted the Alamo!!!!
Him:(laughing his ass off) I’m sorry babe did you make it?
:evil:Did I make it? You are a total wanker! And I hope you shit yourself!
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