The darkness. It seems to always lurk in the shadows. Just waiting to reach out, grab you, yet again and drag you down to the deep dark that is one’s own personal hell.
I have battled full on clinical depression since I gave birth to my son 12 years ago. The delivery was traumatic and horribly painful. It wasn’t the “baby blues” that went away after 3 months or so. Noooo this was The grip the counter, hold on and pray that somehow you don’t become the monster that you feel you are in your mind.
The “baby blues” turned the 3rd ring of Hades prevented me from bonding with my son. I hated myself because I was not able to be the mom I wanted and thought I would be. After a year of fighting and nearly losing the battle, I got medical help. And I gradually got a little better.
And then… My dad.
The last few years, since my father got the diagnosis of cancer and then his passing, in the most horrible, painful way. The darkness overcame me and I nearly lost the battle.
At the same time my marriage was falling apart. My husband would not go to counseling and I was tired of being every thing for everyone and feeling no one gave a damn about me!
It was like this witch that is depression had not only reared her ugly head again, but settled into my soul and for awhile it took me under. I could not look in the mirror anymore, couldn’t bear to get out of bed…and truthfully didn’t care if I did.
The one person who loves me no matter what, my dad, was gone. So was my marriage, and I was done with dealing with everyone’s judgments and bull shit. I had to close myself down, build up walls and just exist. I wasn’t living, I didn’t care if I did to be honest.
My son was my saving grace. He would come in, climb in bed beside me and say “mommy I know you are sad, it’s okay to be sad. I love you mommy, just don’t leave me please.” My heart shattered hearing my baby boy say those words.
THAT woke me out of the fog, just enough that I realized I needed help, I literally had to drag myself out of bed, make myself shower and get dressed and go to the doctor and beg my doctor to help. I had to struggle to not give into the darkness and let it take me.
I still struggle with depression, I probably always will. Some days are good, some I barely get by and some I cannot make myself move… But that is okay, so what if today sucked ass and all I could mange was brushing my hair and making dinner for my son and hubby. That is okay, at least I am still trying and besides…..
Tomorrow, tomorrow is another day and I will try again.
Oh the joys of parenthood (Facebook)