Thanksgiving…. not the same anymore

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Exactly 1053 days ago I lost the most amazing, supportive, loving and awesome man in this world to me… My Dad. Since then the world has been a lot darker for me. I still call their house and expect him to answer the phone with “how ya feeling today baby girl?” and every time I am crushed when he doesn’t.
See my dad was my best friend. I could go to him and talk about anything without him judging me, putting me down or any of the other things that my mother did my whole life and still does. He was always the first person to say how proud he was of me. He taught me to love reading and that even though my body was always fighting due to a congenital illness and I couldn’t do a lot of physical things, my mind could travel anywhere. And so I would think about how I   thought the book should go. He and I used to pile up in his recliner and watch old westerns every Sunday. He was so excited that he had one kid that was so like him. Reading each Zane Gray book and us talking about them. Sherlock Holmes was one of our favorite tv shows as we both always tried to figure out the mystery before Sherlock.
He was a really good man and I am still crushed when he isn’t there in his recliner when I go to their house.
4 years ago we found out he had cancer. But due to his diabetes he couldn’t do iv chemo, he had to take a pill. In the past He had major heart surgeries, stayed 6 weeks in a coma the year before and now cancer. How much does one person have to go through to in a life time before their bodies simply say ” screw this I have had enough?”.
Flash forward a year and a half, our family was gathered around his hospital bed once again, this time saying our final I love yous and goodbyes. That was May 14, 2012.
Since then I have had a nervous breakdown, developed a heart issue, have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, divorced and remarried the same man ( he finally agreed to get counseling), got blamed pretty much for my dad’s death “if you hadn’t took that baby boy and moved (for a week mind you) to Indiana he wouldn’t have had the heart attack, that your sister and I THINK he had and his health wouldn’t have declined so quickly” . I have lost any sense of real connection basically the rest of the family because I won’t bow to other people’s will. And The one person I knew had my back is never going to be there to have it ever again.
So Thanksgiving to me right now, is simply another day, with the family noticing that empty spot in the corner and talking about how everyone wishes he was here.
And going back home stuffed with food and yet feeling so empty on the inside.
And that is why Thanksgiving is so not the same anymore.

Oh the joys of parenthood (Facebook)
Christina Reno-Johnson

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2 thoughts on “Thanksgiving…. not the same anymore

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss, my heart hurts for you. My Dad’s body gave up after his second cancer diagnosis’s. His spirit lives on in me and my kids, they have his tenacity, and stubbornness. I have his never give up, or give in attitude. I have my memories to share with my sons, it’s never enough. Heaven should at least take phone calls, especially when our hearts are broken. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry for your loss. Daddy’s are special to their daughter’s even when they aren’t best friends, too. I know it’s cliche, but be thankful for all the time you had, the experiences you’ve had, & the memories you’ve made with your dad. He made you, the body you contain & the person you’ve become today, so part of him lives on through you! Maybe instead of being around those negative influence, you could stay home & create a new tradition in your dad’s honor, because i think he would want you to find the good that remains & celebrate it!

    Liked by 1 person

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