Stuff and Nonsense

Over the years I have always done battle with depression. In my family, who were very religious this was something I dealt with because I didn’t have faith that God would heal me after I had prayed about it.
That would be a common judgment from my mother… And still is to be frank about it. This ignorant belief and the judgment from her kept me from getting the help I needed. Then and when I had my son in 2002, the baby blues that turned into full blown postpartum hell I got that same speech. My depression sent me into the darkest depths of self hate and loathing. I would never harm my child I would die first, so I tried to make life about him. But that darkness kept closing in until I seriously didn’t care if I woke up… Lord knew my mother was in her eyes the perfect replacement for my son. Every time I would try to talk to her or my other family I got the same bull shit response…. “Just pray about it and have Faith And He will heal you” . Little did they know or care I would cry out every night begging for healing and for over a year nothing. By then I, because of their fake “Christian” judgments had lost all Faith. Not just in them but in God too because of them!
One night my husband had come home and we were having it hard and my ppd didn’t help any, he said something and I finally snapped. I picked up his steal toed boot and threw it at his head… Nearly took his head off. And when I fell to the floor begging him to kill me to end the pain he held me and begged me to let him take me to the doctor And get help. He said something to the effect of ” screw what your family thinks, you have to think that maybe just maybe the help you need that He would want you to get is at the hands of they doctors he helped To create!” In that moment my life changed as I knew he had my back. I went had to be put on very strong anti depressants and start talking to someone weekly for awhile.
No matter what trial or Hell I have gone through in my life I have gotten that same judgment from a certain member if My family… To them they feel they are being helpful. Little do they know because of their judgment I nearly hurt my husband and had planned and prepared to take my own life. I still battle depression some times worse than others But I get help for it because I am important enough to make my health a priority so I can be my best for my son, husband and anyone else who may need me.
I am a church goer, I have incredible faith. But I will never be That preachy, judgmental person that for a long while made me lose faith, not just in God but in humanity. It has never been, nor should it ever be the right of humans to judge each other. Yet everyday we do… In small ways as spouses, parents and friends…. But I promise you all this if you ever come to me with a problem you will receive compassion and caring. And I will do my best to help you in anyway I can. But what you won’t receive from me is judgment, be preached into Hell from things that are beyond your control or anything else for that matter. You…each of you are special, wonderful and you are amazing. Don’t let the judgments of some effect your belief in yourself and in others. Be true to you and believe in your gut instincts!